Today the benevolent overlords at Disney™ released the first trailer for Star Wars:  The Last Jedi and I feel it is critical that I describe the things that I saw in that trailer.  This is so other people that saw things in the trailer can read about the things that I saw and decide if they saw the same things that I saw.  Hopefully, discussing this hopelessly commercial product of corporate group-think delivered by a media empire can give me and my readers a fleeting sense of connection in this unfeeling world, and also sell some toys.

The first thing I saw in this trailer was a rock, and then Rey touched that rock.  She seemed to be out of breath, so maybe she was climbing that rock, or doing some other kind of Jedi training there.  Then, she floats some smaller rocks on top of what appears to be a different rock.  Genius pacing, here.

Rey on another rock, in between other rocks.

Luke keeps the energy at inside voice levels, stoic and slow:  “Breathe.  Just Breathe.  Now, Reach Out.  What do you see?”  These droning laconic statements are the leitmotif of this trailer, giving it a lazy regularity.  Rey chimes in with a similar level of intensity:  “Light.  Darkness.  A balance.”  Luke then chides, “It’s so much bigger”.  I’ll call – How much bigger?

Well, all the while, I am seeing things.  There’s Leia and a star map (“light”), a crushed Kylo Ren mask (“dark”), and a book sneakily titled, “1001 Ways to Bring Balance to the Force” (“balance”).  What cool things, and they even whisper quotes from the best three movies under each thing!  They must have made a mistake, because they put in some new thing that I didn’t recognize: the red-exhaust ships flying towards some walkers (probably AT-AT, but the distance is too great to tell).  These new things scared me and worsened the trailer by their inclusion for two seconds.

Thankfully, there were things that I recognized from other Star Wars movies to allay the fear of the unfamiliar.  Finn!  BB-8 and Poe!  THE MILLENIUM FREAKIN’ FALCON!  Rey and Kylo doing a light saber thing (with a make-believe adherence to the 180° rule to trick us into thinking this is a real scene).  Then I see more Star Wars things:  X-Wings, Alliance Ships, TIE Fighters.  Overall, this Star Wars trailer had a good collection of things from Star Wars.  From this trailer, I predict that Star Wars: The Last Jedi will make $214 million dollars on the opening weekend, and that I will rate the film 9.7/10.

But wait, Luke Skywalker drops a Star Wars MOAB:  “I only know one truth:  it’s time for the Jedi to end.”  Seems more like a working hypothesis at this point, and quite hyperbolic, but I have to disagree with him. Since Star Wars is going to continue along the same path of risk aversion and fan service that made Rogue One and The Force Awakens so rewarding, maybe it is best to keep the Jedi around.  Without them, I won’t have any way to recognize the good guys by the color of their laser sword.